Asking for a friend: I’ve never enjoyed receiving oral sex and don’t get much from it, but my new boyfriend wants to try it out. I feel under pressure. What should I do?

I’ve had a couple of boyfriends, and usually most of our relationships have gone fine, and intimacy has been good. However, I’ve never really enjoyed oral sex . My new partner says he is keen to try it out with me, but I just feel really uncomfortable. It was never really a priority before, and my new boyfriend says that’s because the other people were bad in bed, and to try it again. I never really got anything from it and I feel a little bit of pressure to try it, even though I’m happy without it as well. I wouldn’t have said they were bad in bed, but he is making me think about what that phrase even means. I don’t know how I feel as I am less experienced than him, but I want to explore too. I just get stuck in my head about it. How do I get over this block?

Dr West replies: Oral sex is often viewed as a side part of sexual activity before the ‘main event’ of penetration, with unsatisfying results. No wonder so many women aren’t fans. We also have celebrities boasting about not giving their wives oral sex because they are too ‘masculine’, which provokes much empathy for these women. When done right, it can be a satisfying party of intimacy and can produce emotional and physical pleasure for all parties involved. It’s not necessarily the case that all your exes were ‘bad in bed’, as perhaps they were learning too. People aren’t born with sexual skills; they are developed with experience, consent, communication, and respect for our partners. This is a process for everyone who engages in sex, and the vast array of sexual activities can be exciting or terrifying. Every person we hook up with is like a blank page that we begin to figure out by talking to each other and taking the time to get to know each other on a deeper level.

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