Amy Schumer, Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes Full Oscars Monologue

Here’s what Hall, Schumer and Sykes had to say in the opening monologue.

Regina Hall: We are here at the Oscars.

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. Where movie lovers unite and watch TV.

Amy Schumer: This year, the academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than hiring one man.

Hall: But I’m still excited to be hosting, representing Black women who are standing proud.

Sykes: Yes, and living out loud.

Schumer: Yes, yes. And I am representing unbearable white women who call the cops when you get a little too loud.

Hall: You know, we’ve been dealing with Covid for two years. It’s been really hard on people.

Schumer: Yeah. I mean, just look at Timothée Chalamet.

Sykes: Oh God. What happened?

Schumer: I don’t know. It’s not good. It’s not good.

Hall: You know what? I’d still smash.

Schumer: As many of you know, a decision was made to present some behind-the-scenes awards in the first hour.

Sykes: It was a controversial and difficult decision, but you know, I think we’ve moved on. [Lights flicker.]

Hall: Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Sykes: Look, we’re all union.

Schumer: It’s not our decision.

Sykes: You know, there was a lot of snubs this year. Rachel Zegler for “West Side Story.” Jennifer Hudson for “Respect.” And Lady Gaga and Jared Leto for “House of Random Accents.”

Schumer: This is kind of sad; you know what’s in the In Memoriam package this year? The Golden Globes. They didn’t have any Black people. They didn’t have any Black members. They had to go.

Hall: You know, I was very disappointed that “Space Jam” 2 did not get nominated in the special effects category for that hairline they gave LeBron James.

Sykes: Oh my god, amazing.

Hall: It was really good. It was really good.

Sykes: Black Twitter is going to love that one.

Hall: I think so.

Schumer: Yeah, what is that?

Hall and Sykes: No no, not for you, not for you.

Schumer: OK, I’ll stay away.

Hall: You know, this year we saw a frightening display of how toxic masculinity turns into cruelty towards women and children.

Sykes: Damn that Mitch McConnell.

Hall: I know. I know. But, you know, I was actually talking about “The Power of the Dog.”

Sykes: Oh, yes. You know, I watched that movie three times, and I’m halfway through it.

Schumer: You’re at the best part. The best.

Hall: One more week, and you’re in there.

Sykes: Stay with it.

Schumer: Stay with it.

Hall: You know, Samuel L. Jackson is here. Yes, there he is. He just got the Governor’s Award for his lifetime body of work.

Sykes: Eh!

Schumer: Did You just “eh” Samuel L. Jackson?

Sykes: I mean, I love him. You know, he’s my guy. But I’ll be honest, there’s a few holes in his résumé. No, for real. Like where’s the Sam Jackson rom-com? Like where’s Sam Jackson and Jennifer Lewis in “When This Mo-fo Met That Mo-fo,” you know, or the sequel “Bitch, I said I love you.”

Schumer: He likes that. He likes it. [Looking at Jackson.]

Hall: And where’s his musical? “Rent”! “Ho, I Said Where’s My Rent”!

Schumer: I’d stream that. I’d stream it.

Sykes: Well, we’re going to have a great night tonight. And for you people in Florida, we’re going to have a gay night.

Together: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

Sykes: We’re your Oscar hosts. I’m Wanda Sykes.

Schumer: I’m Amy Schumer.

Hall: And I’m single.

Sykes: Oh, boy.

Schumer: Regina, I mean, it’s not the time for that. And providing the soundtrack for the next hour, give it up for the incomparable D-Nice.

Together: Welcome, everybody, to the Oscars!

Nancy Coleman and Maya Salam contributed reporting.

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